Infidelity: What every couple should know

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F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is a Licensed medical Psychologist of over 45 years and is a best selling author of numerous books on marital relationship consisting of "His Needs, Her Requirements: An Affair-proof Marriage" and "Surviving an Affair." His expertise on the subject of is the result of helping countless couples through the tough procedure of restoring their marital relationship into a relationship that both the and wife take pleasure in.

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: What every couple should know

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53 Comments

  1. The pain from infidelity, this man described it to the Te… However, I would never want to experience the loss of a child… That has to be far worse!!

  2. I think a law making infidelity a crime is the right way to go the way it destroys families and the children involved

    1. Not gonna happen, unless you properly define infidelity the way Scripture defines it. Husbands are unfaithful when they divorce one of their wives, unless that wife has been unfaithful by going to bed with another man.

    2. I believe in some states now you can sue your spouses lover.
      I have seen various stats on the percentage of infidelity from 14% to 40% but not as much 60% as this guy suggest.

    3. @John Smith that is a great idea. There used to be laws about even falsely saying you would marry someone, we have gone down some very immoral roads.

    1. I am not as judgmental towards the husband who was lied to and told that he could only have one wife, and despite his best efforts to live a monogamous lifestyle, simply wasn’t cut out for it, but felt pressure to keep his mistress a secret, for fear of disappointing the wife he has, who has unreasonable expectations of being his only wife.

  3. Anyone who has read and genuinely followed his advise in his books will surely see how transformative his guidance really is on a personal level. He is truly enlightened when it comes to marital relationships.

    1. Then why in the 30 plus years that his books have been in print, have there been no long term studies to determine if his advice actually works? You would think that if they did, he would be glad to point to the evidence!

    2. The pain from infidelity is more painful than the death of a child because the child didnt die to be selfish and deceitful.
      Therein lies the difference in the pain.

  4. I’m the victim of several affairs that my wife had in the past but just recently admitted to them. Last year, I suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke and two brain surgeries. The revelation of the affairs injured more than the stroke and surgeries. We’re trying a good Christian counselor but this is going to be very difficult to overcome. I absolutely agree that infidelity should be a crime. I serve seven years in the United States Army where cheating on your spouse was a criminal offense. You are spot on about the amount of pain this causes the betrayed spouse.

    1. @Tamika Sinlclair Tamika..try to get some help with that..my ex was so jealous & always accusing me .. I finally hated him for ruining our marriage &left him.. I never went out on him.it was all in his mind.

  5. The worst infidelity is when he/she claims to love you only, and you’re the only one for him/ her, yet has no problems looking at other women/men.
    Is that love? I call it hypocrisy!! Especially when the guilty party proclaims to serve God…. Its really sad how we lowered our standards and believe that God is ok with it…

    1. That is something my husband would say, exact words… God is not ok with any sin, drinking, stealing, envy ect. Cheating doesn’t in all cases mean the cheater doesn’t love their partner, but all cases are different. Infidelity can happen for many countless reasons and sometimes the cheaters don’t know why, but still want to stay with their partner.

    2. As long as the other woman is not another man’s former, current, or future wife, there is NOTHING wrong with looking at her, but he probably ought not to claim that you are the only one for him.

  6. everything that this man said is 100% accurate.
    when I got cheated on I was literally traumatized by it! Every night or every 2 to 4 hours I would severely cry my eyes out even if I was out shopping or hanging with mates, it didn’t matter where or what I was doing I had to have my 10 to 15 minutes of crying. The heart ache was so intense at times I wanted to end my life. Infidelity is the worstest experience that would happen to someone.

    1. What on earth was so traumatic about it? Why do you set your expectations so high? You did this to yourself!

    2. If you knew your own worth then you would not want to kill yourself over another person. The infedility was not the problem. The problem is your lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and for living in a fantasy and not reality. People make choices. The only way it could hurt is if you feel somehow a victim when you are not a victim. You decide how to feel and process life’s experiences.

      You have to learn to move on and celebrate the opportunity to be free of someone who you feel unhappy with due to a choice they made. If you feel so bad that you want to kill yourself, then you do not love yourself so you cannot love another. Love starts within not from the outside.

  7. In the first few minutes you absolutely described the two things I went through and also concluded: (1) the affair was worse than the rape I had and it is because a person doesn’t have a high level of trust invested in the rapist as she does her husband nor the daily interaction the wife has with the husband; and (2) taking away a wife’s ability to sue for damages the woman who made the choice to be in that position of mistress coupled with some of the crap promoted by the feminist movement and you have a lethal cocktail of infidelity that a lot of men will choose to drink. We have lost so much culturally by allowing European thinking to influence the institution of marriage in this country. Just take a look at the Scandinavian countries and how they are devolving with incorporating all of these ideas that “one can do whatever one wants to do” as if that means no one should be allowed to be hurt by someone else’s poor choices.

    1. yes – it used to be that we had laws, morals, marriage was a sacred and protected institution. Not now – anything goes, and we all pay the price for this, every one of us.

  8. Interesting. Thank you for the video. My mother who was 96 when she died told me at an early age that breaking trust in a relationship was like having a crack in a coffee cup. You can forgive but you can never forget the break in the trust. Regarding the cup….you can continue to use the cup, but every time you pick it up you will remember because that damn crack never went away. I guess that is why the greatest thing beyond love is trust. Once it is broken, it is broken. Only my thoughts…

    1. Interesting. The difference between a cheater and a man who has more than one wife, is honesty. The cheater pretends to be monogamous, while living a lie, whereas the man with two or more wives, is up front about his desire to take another wife, and makes sure that she is compatible with his existing wives.

  9. I’ve lost children, and I’ve been cheated on, and let me tell you, the loss of a child, nothing can, or will, ever compare to that loss.

    1. Peris Kariti
      i am moved by what you wrote.
      As a man, I have lost my partner to betrayal and then my baby boy to parental abduction, and my career to firing.

    2. @Sow AG sorry mate thought i was encouraging you and remembered the story of Job. Dont take the 10 times literally, that was an unnecessary emphasis. Main message is i wish you well and hope for the best for u

    3. Silent Lessons
      you did no harm.
      To be honest I’ve found it horrific dealing with the comments questions judgements of what happened and what I’m left with

  10. I lost my son 2 years ago when he was 3 years old.. Last year I found out a lot of things about my husband.. He hasn’t admitted to any infidelity but I think he has at some point.. I can’t agree that cheating hurt more then losing my son. That by far has been the worst.

    1. He has not! If he were unfaithful, he would have divorced you, but since he is still your husband, he is still being faithful to you. Sorry about the loss of your son!

    2. @Daniel DeLuca you do not know. If she has that suspension, it is probably her intuition. I’m sorry about the loss of your son and I am sorry about the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. I hope you heal and find happiness.

  11. I lost my first born at 6 months pregnant, he blessed me with 31 minutes. I also had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I have also been cheated on twice, both times hurt, but NEITHER time did the pain compare to losing my child.Not even close.

  12. if marriage is a legal contract in front of the law. Affairs should be considered a breach of contract punishible by law.

    1. “some people think im being paranoid and there is infidelity around every corner…. THERE IS!” you are 100% correct my friend i wish i would have discovered your work and website in august of 2010 when i married the most wonderful woman I have ever met 11 years later and now all the love busters and that negative love bank account and both of us having an affair its like trying to crawl back out of the pits of hell it self… thank you for all your content honestly the amount of information on your website could sale for thousands of dollars but truth is its invaluable thank you again

    2. The thing i appreciate the most about this approach is he gives you a realistic time line of 2 years minimum and ACTUALLY WORKING if only one spouse is working this program it will fail trust me im in the middle of going through it with my WS and shes fighting it like hell there is no point in trying something like this if both partners arent on board its just going to cause the one putting the work in to get frustrated build resentment and we all know how resentment brings out the TAKER in us… But I can not thank you enough Dr Harley this is the best affair recovery/ marriage strengthening program I have seen to date God bless you and your wife

  13. Affairs always started with conversation or emotional connection to other person instead of your spouse… We really need to protect our emotions against the opposite sex, only share it to our partner,.intimately.

  14. He is correct…it was the MOST PAINFUL experience of my life! It ended 1 year ago & I’m in just as much pain as 1 yr ago…therapy, support group, etc…

  15. Just compensation: great idea, sounds like something very healing.

    1) never talk to them again
    2) prevent chance encounters – expect withdrawal and moodiness for the next few months, a bit like being in a lousy mood from dieting
    3) if you go into work with them, you need to resign probably or trigger affairs all over again
    4) Have to be together for two years to create a successful relationship again
    5) Trust is restored and marriage can recover

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