Signs the Unfaithful Isn’t Growing in Repair Work after an Affair

Betrayed partners are continuously searching for security from the unfaithful partner. However how do you understand they are safe and what are a couple of indications or markers one can look for to identify if they appear severe about their own healing work? Today shares a few examples of security both from his own story as well as practically twenty years worth of experience helping those in crisis. While security is a need in post healing work it's not constantly easy to understand who is exhibiting safe habits and who is showing hazardous behavior. Filled with humor, passion and grit, today's video exposes indications the unfaithful isn't quite serious about repair work.

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is an infidelity survivor and is among lots of contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors' Blog site,. He participated in Affair Healing's courses established by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After discovering healing, hope, and new life, wishes to share his journey and what has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

Signs the Unfaithful Isn’t Growing in Repair Work after an Affair

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About the Author: Renee Love


  1. Signs you’re not growing:

    1) defensiveness
    2) excuses
    3) alienated (your own comfort is more important)
    4) you have to be chased, no initiative
    5) find fault with everything (not humble)
    6) still hiding things (still evasive, not transparent)
    7) not reliable

    I’m going to add:

    8) putting your needs or wants first
    9) not initiating the difficult conversations
    10) not showing any interest in your partner’s healing or feelings
    11) inconsistent behaviors
    12) playing the martyr
    13) not asking your partner any questions in an effort to learn more about how you damaged them
    14) not being inclusive
    15) lying to yourself and believing your own lies
    16) not challenging your own thoughts to see if they’re true
    17) doing everything the same way and expecting a different result
    18) not trying to repair your integrity
    19) coasting and hoping things get better on their own
    20) lack of urgency to win back your spouse
    21) not being vulnerable with your spouse by sharing feelings
    22) lack of self awareness
    23) not showing sincere remorse or compassion
    24) acting frustrated because of their inability to trust you
    25) treating your betrayed spouse like they’re trying to cause you pain or “turn the knife” by reminding you that all of these actions you’re NOT doing is causing them more pain and that they’ll never get over your betrayal!

    All of these things show that you are not safe enough for your spouse to heal or trust you anytime soon.

  2. More great info.. Really appreciate your information and your delivery is personal. Sadly I am venturing down this path, but so glad to have found you. Keep up the good work.

  3. Questioning if he is still hiding things even if not about the affair are what’s hard for me to let go of. It’s been 3 months since discovery and I feel like we are doing better healing together. The trust or at least the belief in trust is killing me.

  4. Thank you Sam for another great video. I look forward to each Thursday morning for these new and helpful words of wisdom.
    I appreciate the time and effort that goes into them. Great topic today.
    We’re still here, pretending together, 1947 days since D-Day. The boys are growing up so fast, and doing great at school and karate.
    I hope you enjoy a great Christmas. Thanks for all you do.

  5. Samuel you have been invaluable in my and my wife’s rebuilding effort. One thing I realize now is that the unfaithful/betrayed dynamic applies to all of our other marriage problems besides my addiction. I haven’t commented on here for a few weeks because we have been so busy owning our s&$t together. Almost six months into separation, we now know we will be back together after the kids are done with this school year. Surrender the ego and give it to God, whichever role you are in. It’s working for us, praise Him.

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