How Does the Unfaithful Spouse View the Betrayed Spouse Who Chooses to Stay in the Marriage?

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is an adultery survivor and is among many factors to Affair Healing's Survivors' Blog,. He participated in Affair Healing's courses established by founder and extramarital relations specialist Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After discovering recovery, hope, and new life, wishes to share his journey and what has to provide with others so they too can discover hope and recovery.

How Does the Unfaithful Spouse View the Betrayed Spouse Who Chooses to Stay in the Marriage?

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  1. I’m praying that my husband sees me as the great woman that I am. Until that day, I will set boundaries; refrain from expecting certain things from him; and continue to work on myself. Prayerfully, I’ll still be in a space where I want to save my marriage when he finally wakes up.

    1. Can you give an update? I’m dealing with my husband leaving due to drug addiction (his drug addiction) & recently found out he’s now cheating on top of the drug use. He said she helps him stay clean.
      So hurt & angry all these emotions

  2. I wish this is the case in every unfaithful person. What I experience thus far is endless selfishness and carelessness of the betrayed’s true needs.

    1. i’m sorry. that does happen. take care of you. set boundaries and enforce those boundaries and prioritize your own healing and well being my friend.

    2. Rakhmi Anwar sorry, for that. That’s somewhat like what I experienced . I realized a person can’t MAKE someone love you. I truly believe a better relationship is waiting for you. My mom used to say, “ when one door closes, God opens up another one.”

  3. Samuel, I am getting sick from my body, the pain I have experienced has been unbearable after learning my husband had an affair for over one year and a half! I chose to stay but he hasn’t helped me to get over this pain! We have been married for 28 years but we’ve known each other for 35 year’s! I feel that way can’t do it anymore, I feel like he left me with unresolved feelings because he refuses to talk about what he did and he acts like as if nothing happened? I still have bouts with of crying and experiencing the pain so vividly in my heart and he has made me feel left without healing! It feels like the pain lingers because he hasn’t helped me at all! I need to see my self worth before I get physically more sick

    1. @AN Noel Foolish conversations!!! smh. Adults TALK about what’s lacking, they don’t walk off to FIND it outside. They decide whether to stay or leave. simple.

    2. I’m a year late response wise but I hope your situation has improved. I’ll tell you that he was likely acting that way because it’s his way of trying to offset the sense of guilt, shame, and remorse he actually does feel.

      There are some out there who have a very hard time processing the fact that they can make bad decisions and judgements. It’s not about you as much as it was about him and finding a way to cope with what he felt about himself and his actions.

      I’ll pray for you and your family. God bless and peace.

  4. “Will I find in my spouse what I found in my affair partner?” is this really what my husband is thinking? SO I was truly NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM. 10 months Post D-day and I am sort of disgusted with these thoughts… when it comes to questions of ‘Will I will get over this” of course I can if my husband is sincere, but if he is trying to look for things in me he found in his AP then he is at a loss. I was not her and will never be. I am only ME! Yeah this isn’t sitting well with me.

    1. Hang in there. It takes time and more pain to get this point. I’m just starting to see my wife being genuinely remorseful and I’m beginning to be aware that she’s truly got my back. Hard to untwist this pretzel, but you’ll both throw out the pretzel together soon.

    2. I believe my ex was truly sorry at one point. But he had a ‘short term’ emotional memory and could be sincerely sorry one day and still chase after other women the next. It didn’t negate the fact that he was sorry and ‘meant’ to change. He just couldn’t in practice. I realised he had always had that trait and regardless of whether he wanted to change at times, he likely never would. At least not until we were both far too old for it to matter. And I didn’t want to spend the next 20, 30, 40 years dealing with that. I wanted someone who was consistent and had the ability to stick to what they said.

    3. I sure don’t want my husband feeling like he did me some favor coming back because good lord he sacrificed what he could had had with someone else. Now he can just go be with her openly and if he’d tell me the truth himself and give me an explanation I wldnt had to come across this video giving me the explanation he wldnt outside of blaming me somehow

  5. Thank you Samuel, this helped me because I chose to forgive, but wonder if maybe he sees me as a fool for staying and also I wonder if I’m a fool for forgiving.

  6. My wife betrayed me and even though I’m standing for my marriage she isn’t and has filed for divorce. She said my efforts are admirable but it’s almost condescending the way she says it. Her affair partner blew her off after a few months but my wife believes their fantasy was real and she says she can’t rationalize coming back to our marriage as anything but settling when she was prepared to be with her AP forever. Just makes me feel like she lacks the emotional maturity to understand the situation for what it really is.

    1. Both of you are married until death. Hers is the fantasy, as you say. You can only make your choices. I understand that what you choose is not getting you a lot of public respect. It’s amazing how many people only respect ‘moving on’…but there are also those who respect standing.

  7. I am still questioning her motives, we have worked through a lot of the infidelity, but even after three years, I still have doubts, questions, eerie feeling that another bombshell will go off again. Triggers still come, trust has never been the same,! I find myself hating her guts when I get triggered. I love her, I won’t lie, but the damage was too deep, just the idea of her with someone else was revolting, there are still a lot of unanswered questions, of which now, I don’t think I want the answers to. It took months to get all the necessary info, but still loopholes. Gotten through the hurt. Doing fine now, but it’s never been the same!

    1. Same with me. Sad but my relationship has never been the same after 33 years. I have forgiven but the bad memories never go away. Triggers over so many things come. Oh well. I am 64. I can endure to the end.

    2. @Dan -Lansing MI this is sad live your best life in happiness not in pain dammit never settle for someone that is willing to hurt you cheating is not an accident

  8. Ouch. Can the unfaithful get over it?? They did it. Can he find in me, the betrayed, what he found in his affair partner?!? If this is what he’s really thinking, I’m not sure I want to forgive anymore. Just wow

  9. I was the betrayed and I couldn’t bare the thought of staying. I love myself too much to look like the fool in the scenario. Props to anyone who has forgiven their betrayer. I just couldn’t even though it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

    1. Forgive me, but if “looking” like the fool concerned you, isn’t that ego, rather than self-love and acceptance?

  10. One more thing…as an unfaithful there’s no getting over what I’ve done the damage to my spouse. The hardest parr is knowing the emoitiinal affair wasn’t worth this devastation and i knew it wouldn’t be. No one evee views these videos prior to engaging in a relationship outside of a marriage, but all married couples should

  11. This video disgusted me to the point where I literally feel like throwing up! I’m glad for your honestly because it really made me realize that anyone who has cheated truly don’t deserve their spouse! And to not be a fool and neglect your sense of self worth just to hear your man / woman is thinking if their wife/husband will satisfy their needs as their affair partner did and not a Word of remorse or I’m sorry instead hearing she didn’t have many options, I’m sorry what!. I hope you wife gains the courage to leave. You can forgive someone and choose to leave because the love can be there and never leave but it doesn’t mean that person is deserving of it. They can be a good person otherwise but it doesn’t mean they’re good for you. Being cheated on destroys you and You’ll never truly get over it no matter how much you say you do.

  12. In both of my experiences the disrespect got even worse and I was slowly treated worse and worse until there was no respect, no loyalty and a lot of cruelty and indifference to my feelings and worth.

  13. Short answer: Yes, they will 100% see you as a doormat and as a pathetic loser with zero self-esteem if you take them back lol. Most people aren’t sorry they were unfaithful, they’re sorry because they were caught.

    1. Not always true. I am the unfaithful, not married yet, only had a one night thing, but I immediately shared it and I have more respect for my partner now than before. I just needed a wake up call.

    2. @Stephanie Bee I’d love to pick your brain as my gf had cheated on me a little over two years and I still am not sure if the right decision was to stay

    3. @Stephanie Bee I am in this exact situation. How was he able to trust you again? I’ve been looking at so many videos about this & I’ve been getting therapy..

  14. I think this helped me realize he’s never going to stop searching for in me what he found in other “women” so nothing short of him explaining and fast is changing my mind. No man deserves another chance. He cheated and if he can’t stop it’s because his wife isn’t who he wanted. She just was more convenient and he didn’t want to lose everything as in material wise

  15. Cheating reveals weaknesses in the cheater. Let him/ her deal with that. If the betrayed had the option to leave, yet chose to forgive and stay he/she is very strong. Actually, therein lies true power. The betrayed is not trapped. He/She experiences freedom that the cheater will never experience as long as he/she remains in that marriage. The cheater us the one with the self-esteem issues, not the betrayed who forgives.

  16. I havent cried much, but you got me this time, sam. I love this channel, and in a totally honest expression, without any subtext (dont want Samantha as an enemy! Btw “you go girl!”) I love your empathy, and love the energy you bring to this nightmare of a life experience, and i love that God sent me a person of strength and good sense to guide so many towards life…if i was a bit fan girl there, its only because i dont feel alone in imperfection. God bless you, fellow Texan, and every imperfect soul searching for answers.

  17. I’ve got a huge question. What happened when the betrayed spouse is the one that is blamed by everyone( both the betrayed and unfaithful’s family and say that it was all their fault, and that spouse has been abused for a long time but not by the unfaithful?

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