Spouse Had An Affair – I Want To Know EVERYTHING You Did

You want to know EVERYTHING about the affair. After all, it's your spouse who cheated. You DESERVE to know. Right?

Well, before you start requesting for the information, consider this.

Although it might seem like knowing the details will bring you comfort in the middle of mayhem, our research study and experience recommends it will in fact have the reverse result.

Understanding the details and, especially information that produce a visual, can actually cause even more damage to the , and intensify your possibilities of reconciling the mariage.

Do you be worthy of to understand everything? Yes.

Should your spouse be willing to share? Yes.

Will knowing all of the details increase your opportunities of conserving the ? Absolutely not.

Let's speak about WHY in today's video.

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Spouse Had An Affair – I Want To Know EVERYTHING You Did

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About the Author: Renee Love


  1. 30 yrs. Together we have been to it,through it& after all of this I don’t know if we’re going to make it.

    1. Hey Michelle McCrea, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Because of the complexity of this situation, we would strongly advise you reach out to us directly! You can call us at 1 (866) 903 0990 and be connected with one of our Client Representatives who will guide you to the best resources we have available for your situation. You can also schedule the call yourself for a time that works best for you by following this link: https://marriagehelper.com/marriage-strategy-call/

      We look forward to speaking with you directly if you will allow it!

  2. If I were in that situation at this stage of my life I would leave. Kids are over 18 and wouldn’t be an issue. I definitely would want to know details because it would be important for me to know if this was a one time thing or a longer emotional relationship. Life is short and I don’t want to worry about whether or not I can trust my spouse !

    1. You are exactly right. You need the details to make an informed decision for yourself. It’s the least they could do.

    2. Leaving is 100% your decision. At Marriage Helper, we believe there is hope for every marriage no matter what has happened, because we have seen people reconcile and have an even stronger marriage after an affair. It is possible. Here’s an example from an interview we did with Ren & Adele: https://youtu.be/ARNjEJR73TA

      As far as kids being affected by divorce, you’d be surprised at how badly it still affects children even if they are over the age of 18. We also have a video that explains more on how divorce affects children, which you can find here: https://youtu.be/uM_BRdhYybI

      Knowing the details is also 100% your right. But it does not mean the marriage is more likely to be saved, nor will it be easier to reconcile. It typically only makes things worse because you have visual images in your head about what your spouse has done. But again, it’s your choice!

      And yes, while life is short, trust can be rebuilt with a cheating spouse. And marriage can be the biggest blessing in life. Forgiveness is possible. Reconciliation is possible.

      If you’d like help in the future, we’d love to be someone you can talk with Angie!
      Thanks for commenting!

  3. I don’t understand why they would tell you not to know everything. The betrayed person deserves to know everything so they can make the decision for themselves if they want to stay or go.

    1. ​@Phonetica I think because the questions will always be there until they’re answered; the most critical task is to restore the trust that the cheating spouse destroyed, and the most obvious way to do that is to ask every question and see how the cheating spouse responds.

      The problem, of course, is that the cheater may also be a liar, and she or he may just…lie. But the questioner has the opportunity to see how the cheating spouse responds to the questions: humbly, directly; admitting details that make them look bad, even when they are beyond the question…or defensively, angrily, evasively. The spirit of the response is every bit as important as the question that’s answered.

      The questioner should realize that no amount of questioning and answering will completely restore trust. The cheating spouse should realize this process may be crucial to the amends process, and yes, letting the light in so he or she can be humbled, heal, and not repeat the cheating.

    2. @VoldeMart when someone wants to know the Intricate details of an affair to make a decision on whether or not to stay with someone, there there is something in their life that they need to explore, because knowing the intricate details does not Help you build trust, It’s more of someone being nosy, trying to know all the details, so when something happens later they can always throw it back at them and say well you did this ant you did that. It is that person’s right to know, but do you really want to know, do you really want to have those pictures in your mind and what good does it do for your relationship, when you should be loving that person Regardless of what they’ve done.

      As doctor said, there are many other ways to build trust.

    3. @Sam Moreau You’re right: it is the jilted spouse’s right to know. And it’s certainly true that no amount of questioning and answering will heal the rift of infidelity; that has to be accomplished by honesty, forgiveness, and trust. But I think you’ve missed the bigger picture, in that we cannot love or forgive what we do not know. And we do not know unless we ask.

    4. @Sam Moreau I’m just not understanding the logic here. If your point is correct, let’s expand it to knowing if you spouse even had an affair in the first place.

      What’s the point of knowing the truth about your spouse having an affair or not? That sounds nosy as if the betrayed spouse will just throw it back in there face in the future.

      You see the fallacy of your argument? The truth is the truth. And the truth matters. Like it or not, choosing to be ignorant to the facts and details just makes someone naive.

    1. In terms of forgiveness it doesn’t matter what you know, it matters how you chose to interpret the facts. Some people can’t help viewing something like an affair as a direct criticism about themselves on a variable scale that’s based on their own preconceptions about their self worth. The lower their self esteem, the more impactful the affair becomes to them, and the less easy they become to forgive and move on from.

    2. We totally understand how you would feel that way. It is 100% your right to know the details. We just want people to know that by knowing the details, it doesn’t make reconciliation any easier. And we always circle back to the this question:

      Is your spouse a good person who has done a bad thing?
      Or are they a bad person who has done a bad thing?

      If you believe they are a good person, then the marriage may be worth saving. This is where decision-based forgiveness can come into play.

      We encourage everyone to watch this video on how to forgive a cheating spouse:

  4. Trust begins with honesty, and honesty begins with coming clean. As Kevin Kennett said in the comments here, “If you don’t know what they did, you don’t know what to forgive.”

    I think Marriage Helper puts too much on the jilted spouse, who is supposed to continue living in the dark instead of seeking clarity: is the cheating spouse sincerely regretful? No way to know. But the way she or he responds to your questions, especially the tough ones, can reveal a lot, building a solid foundation for the grieving, amends, and restoration process–or propelling you to divorce, frankly. Because an insincere cheater will take your life, and you will waste it and your children’s lives investing in someone who will only take, never give.

  5. That is so true, I found my husband’s phone and it makes everything a lot worse to see the things they said and done.

  6. I politely disagree….my husband was willing to give me all the time I needed and to sit with me and tell me everything. He allowed me to ask any and as many questions as I wanted to and needed to. And he gave me the down and dirty details like I asked him as well. I was prepared to hear these things- my statement was “I cannot accept what I do not know” I was able to accept what happened, forgive him and move forward. I will say I did received EMDR treatment and therapy which was a tremendous tool that made all the difference. So I can say for me, I did ask for all the details, i got them and I was able to handle it and not lose my mind. However, if I did not really intend to stay in the marriage or if I wasn’t fully ready and committed to saving the marriage and to forgiveness, I may not have had the same outcome and experience that I did.

    1. Thanks for sharing your story Kristen. You sound like a VERY strong person to be able to do that. We’re so thankful that it worked out with you. We simply want to warn people that they shouldn’t ask for details if they don’t actually, truly, want to know them. Knowing all of the details can create visuals in your head that can be very difficult to get past, and only further lengthen the healing process. But we 100% agree that it is YOUR RIGHT to know those things. But it does not necessarily mean the reconciliation process will go any faster, or that your pain will subside any quicker, or that coming back together will be any easier. It typically has the reverse effect. But thank you so much Kristen. We are here for you if you need us!

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