Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman

Here's the science behind pleased ! Dr. Gottman describes the findings, tools and techniques that have assisted countless from worldwide develop a "Sound Relationship House."

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Making Work | Dr. John Gottman

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About the Author: Renee Love


  1. I have been following Gottman for years and I am so happy he has expanded in this talk on his relationship research. In the past I have been appreciative about the four horsemen, but I am so excited he is sharing more info on what couples can do to become masters. I have also always found the “bidding” info very helpful. I was a lab assistant for Levinson at Berkeley years ago with his emotion research so I can honestly say their research is invaluable.

  2. Although he starts by saying he is not a ‘relationship guru,’ I beg to differ. The teachings that he has shared truly allows him to be a guru in the area of relationships. After all, one definition for a person to be called a guru is “an influential teacher or popular expert.” Therefore, Dr. Gottman is a relationship guru. 🙂 Thank you for your work, sir!

    1. He simply stated that he was not, do to the fact he don’t want that title and he is a man of science and doing study and reacher.

    2. I believe Dr.Gottman’s teachings are invaluable and innovative as he has done the work to support his findings. I also think his facts on his research should be in combination to say, Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. The combination of these two are things every relationship should learn and practice to better their relationship.

    1. @mysticaltyger49 and that’s what husband’s do in long partnership marriage keeping the status quo, remember the alternative is walking away from the marriage, including, grandchildren, children, the house, mutual friends and everything else..
      Just in case she has enough energy left he’ll go overseas to the Oriental to find himself a 30 year old young girl.. that’s another story..

  3. “We are much more forgiving to ourselves than we are towards others.” 69% of problems in marriage are never resolved. We call this tensions to be managed… John is a master researcher and has helped our work tremendously over the years.

  4. I also love that these ideas for connecting and showing love and compassion apply to your children as well. Brilliant as always-

  5. My husband’s blood pressure increased and it made it more difficult for him to cope. When he dealt with the blood pressure, with prescribed medication, he was able to cope again. So his blood pressure, which increased due to age, influenced his behavior. I wonder how often we take into account how physical health affects the health of a relationship. Some difficulties could be influenced positively by addressing medical needs.

    1. @A Butterfly I understand what you mean and I agree with you, it shouldn’t be used as an excuse. At the same time, sudden unexplained behavior changes can signal that something is wrong with physical health. People in my culture are conditioned to ignore their health much to their detriment. We are also conditioned to think of the mind and the body as two separate things when they are actually part of the same system. Being sensitive and aware of these mental health changes whether they are happening to you or a loved one can help you address health problems sooner rather than later which is important.

    2. @Maika Clarke im sorry you were brought up that way at least now you seem to know that way of thinking was not healthy or true. I agree with what you say, but what I meant is no matter what, we are responsible for treating others with respect even if we dont feel well.
      Everyone has a bad day but if your mood is destructive to yourself or others than find out why and fix it, the problem or how you interact with others, before you do damage that lasts a lifetime.
      ps. Im not sure if you know but you can have blood pressure problems at any age and just because your old is not why you get it age has nothing to do with it. 🙂

    3. This is very true my husband of 40 years suddenly had heart problems a little over 12 months ago and had a quadruple by pass .he never has been the same the operation saved his life but emotionally he changed although I’ve tried to be supportive I’ve more than likely been a lousy wife in understanding what he’s gone through and now after all these years and all weve overcome we have problems which we’ve had before but this feels different it feels done ,I’ve taken time out away from him and I’m working on myself and what I did to contribute to our failing marriage I feel he hates me now most days and we just rub each other the wrong way I’m shattered and don’t know how to fix it if at all .In spite of it all I still love him .

  6. Absolutely loved this! You have transformed the way I see my partner and myself and to put meaning behind actions. Thank you soooo much for doing your work and sharing it.

  7. I think if there is one starting point all humans could make that would DRAMATICALLY change their relationships, it would be to become ok with feeling hurt. To be able to sit with the feeling and process it first before communicating. Most conflict arises from being hurt but wanting to avoid it by attacking the other person.

    1. @Brittnee R I understand what your saying & I wish I could be that way but I’m an empath & not wired to process first. I feel the hurt immediately.
      I feel like every hurt I ever experienced lies just beneath the surface so if should arise I will feel the hurt as if it was the 1st time. I’m told it’s people who are sensitive to energy shifts & vibration. Unfortunately it’s made out to be in most cases what is is not . Shortest definition bewould have to
      In addition to intuitivenessi t is,
      Over stimulation, high sensitivity

    2. This is very true Carla. I’ve always found the reason why I attacked or got defensive was because I hated sitting with the feeling of hurt or “not good enough” more than anything.

  8. When I was younger I thought a good relationship needed only love .
    Now I’m convinced that it needs essential work from both sides too .
    Congratulations on your research!

    1. I once observed a couple “fricking & fracking” without raised voices, one saying something then the other while they were helping each other secure back packs and help each other get items from back of a car to go on a hike. As I observed their dismay in their faces all the while being helpful with each other I took note that ….THAT is a strong couple. This went on for awhile and I obviously did not interrupt however I wish I could have given them a note or something to let them know how cool it was! When misunderstandings refrain from putting the whole relationship on the line it can be a lot more fun !

    2. Longbranch262 Love and even great sex is not enough to sustain marriage. You need to fine tune things every day but if you are compatible (and please don’t get married if you are not) it shouldn’t be hard work.

  9. Dr. Gottman thank you so much!!
    I am now dehydrated from crying so much and looking for something might help to clears my head so I can think if I should give my husband a second chance and I saw this posts and helps me how to deal with it specially in this situation.. I almost call a lawyer for divorce but I bumped to this.
    Thank you so much! Like really.. u saved this family. More blessings to u and to your family and the rest of the team.
    Hard worked and great job to u all!

    1. Jayvie Schaus hows is going? Keep up with your positivity especially if you gets. Good response when you do xxx

    2. Jayvie Schaus I think marriage is like a large cruise ship. It takes a bit of time to turn it around. Helps with a counsellor to encourage your spouse to be loving too.

  10. This was a confirmation that my relationship is on the right track and provided tools to enrich it. Thank you

  11. Most of this is much harder for people who grow up in negative or broken families. They have all the worst habits. If you came from a broken family, take time to work on yourself and become the person that you want to be BEFORE you get into a relationship and get married.

    1. My dear

      Many single parent families are far from broken!

      Far better to have 1 happy parent than 2 miserable gits!!!

    2. I wish someone would’ve told me this before I did. The depth of my trauma didn’t hit me until I met him. He had already healed. I had just begun.

  12. I think a lot of this stuff works well with friendships and family relationships too. It’s all about communicating and communicating well with other people

  13. This guy’s a genius. Nowadays, dating advice is all about being “confident” and “high value” and pulling away and not being too accomodating to avoid appearing “needy” and “desperate”, and they’re all missing the whole point and picture of being in a relationship, which is what Dr. Gottman is doing a great job of explaining.

    1. Dating advice ought to be different from marriage advice, as in the advice you get when looking for a job is different to the advice you get once you’ve landed your dream job.

    2. @Adventures of TinTin I just think the dating advice people give works less effectively at even dating compared to marriage advice. To get somewhere you need to know the destination. And have the key to that destination. No point in having multiple destinations and constantly wandering between one and the other and not having the key to get in and stay in. People who focus too much on dating and meeting a lot of people but knowing them only to a shallow degree are wanderers.

    3. Such childish misleading advice out there , it’s a beautiful thing to be in a relationship where there is no fear to being yourself , being vulnerable and bringing out the best in each other. Anything else is not worth it.

    4. Ghosting is the new normal, at least in my vicinity. And that is almost unbearable unless one values single-life-advantages.

  14. Here is Easy Notes

    1. No Criticism
    Criticism is a way of complaining that suggests that your partner’s personality is defective.

    Example (No)
    “You talked about yourself all through dinner you never asked me anything about my day, what is wrong with you. You are a horrible person”

    Example (Yes)
    “You talked about yourself all through dinner you never asked me anything about my day and that hurt my feelings, I really need you to ask me about my day”

    2. No Defensiveness
    Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack.

    Example (No)
    “I don’t care about your day”

    Example (Yes)
    “I’m really sorry, I should of asked about your day. Please tell me about your day”

    3. No Disrespect & No Contempt
    Disrespect means to show lack of respect or courtesy. Contempt is acting as though your partner is beneath you or not worth your time. It’s disregarding someone else’s thoughts and opinions or actively displaying scorn for them. No starting conversation with conflict. No negative sarcasm. No negative form of communication.
    Example (No)
    “What a jerk, you only talk about yourself. You are not that important”

    4. No Stonewalling
    Stonewalling means to ignore are disregard, forget, neglect, overlook, or to not to give attention to your spouse.

    5. Culture of Appreciation
    Appreciation means when your spouse recognizes something that you’ve done, it tells you that they noticed and conveys that they appreciate your good deed or kindness. You scan the environment for things you can praise and to give value. Catch your partner doing something right and praise it.

    Example (Yes)
    “The food you cooked was really good, I really enjoyed it”
    “I enjoyed the conversation of dinner”
    “I watched you playing with the baby last night and it was really beautiful”

    6. Understanding Map
    Understanding relationship map is internal roadmap that in your mind about your partner’s inner world, your partner’s inner psychological world, your partner is really interested in, it’s about knowing what you know who are the main people in your partner’s world are, what’s stressing your partner out, what gets your partner exciting, what are some of your partner’s dreams and hopes and aspirations. You find this values by asking questions.

    7. Fondness & Admiration
    Fondness and Admiration means communicating affection and respect in very small ways. Creating this culture of appreciation in very tiny ways, you say thank you I’m proud of you I really admire you I respect you, and you do it very often. In very small ways you say thank.

    If you reading this Wish you Many Many blessing

  15. After 40 years of marriage, we always look at the “marriage” as a third party which we must respect and nurture. I have found that if I treat my wife everyday as if we were on our fist date, things work out beautifully.

    1. If you court her for life she will stay with you for life. Ignore her, take her for granted and the same for her as well…DOOMED.

  16. I have used this video in the class i teach for batterers intervention. I use it for teaching respect in relationships and non violent communication. Thanks for all you do

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